“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion
Over the past few days, I’ve been craving renewal and lightness. I watched a video of this little girl from South Africa absolutely killing it dancing and she looked so alive and free and it brought up all these feelings ― I want that. I want to feel free. I want to feel alive and to start living again. I don’t want to feel so heavy with grief anymore. But then when that wave hit me, another one came right afterwards. I do want to be in grief, to feel heavy, to be sad.
I believe that grief is the price we pay for our love. My love for my mom sheds light on my pain. Recently, I’ve panicked. What if as I heal I also forget how much I love her? Is it a trade off? Can they coexist? Healing and grief? I think so. I know I won’t forget how much I love her. I know I won’t forget her. It’s been barely three years and I’m feeling yet another shift. But I also know it could be temporary. Everything I feel is a mix of ups and downs. I feel sad about moving forward in some ways because she cannot move forward with me. Even though, somehow I feel that she is. I believe she’s happy where she is now. Without her pain. She can breathe fully again. She has energy and is probably dancing. And I know she would be telling me to go ahead ― live! Isn’t living the best way to honor her? I thought about this when I woke up today, about finding moments of happiness, and said, “It feels like you are healing. Not forgetting, still missing, but healing.” And I just don’t know how to feel about that.
I think, as with anything, it will start to unveil as time goes on. Things will fall into place, or fall apart, as they do. Nothing is linear. I guess all of this means I feel a stirring in my soul, and it both terrifies and excites me. For the first time in a long time I feel like really living again. And it makes me cry because I know my mom is watching and smiling at these words. I know that this is what she wants more than anything for me. We’ll see. Maybe for now I’ll just sit with it. See where it all takes me. I will still cry. Still be brought to my knees with sadness. Still miss her so much it feels like my heart may explode. But maybe this is a shift. One of the many shifts..
getting lost. 